How do I build a normal relationship with my parents

What you are describing sounds less like a simple disagreement with your parents and more like a struggle over autonomy, boundaries, and respect. Wanting a healthy relationship with your parents does not mean you have to accept being controlled, emotionally attacked, or repeatedly disregarded.

If you booked me as your counselor and therapist, I would start with one important distinction:

You can love and respect your parents while also deciding that certain ways of treating you are no longer acceptable. ( UNFORTUNATELY I DON’T KNOW YOUR AGE, GENDER, EDUCATION BACKGROUND)

1. Accept that you may not be able to change them

One of the hardest parts of becoming emotionally independent from parents is realizing that you cannot make them understand your perspective.

You can explain your reasoning perfectly. You can present evidence, pros and cons, and make what seems like the most logical decision and they may still say: "We are your parents. We know what is best for you." At that point, continuing to argue often doesn't produce understanding. It simply turns the conversation into a power struggle.

Your goal therefore shouldn't necessarily be: "How do I make my parents respect my decision?"

Instead, gradually move toward:

"How do I make decisions responsibly even when my parents disagree with me, while maintaining as much of a healthy relationship with them as possible?"

That's a major psychological shift!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2. Separate advice from authority

Healthy parents can give advice without necessarily having the final say. You can acknowledge their experience while retaining responsibility for your own life. It could be a reply like this:

"I understand why you think that is the better option, and I appreciate that you're trying to protect me. I've considered what you've said, but I've decided to do this."

Notice what you're not doing.

You're not saying: "You're stupid, you never understand me, I don't care what you think, I will do whatever I want."

You're saying:

"I've heard you. I respect your opinion. I am still making my own decision."

That is adult-to-adult communication!!!!!!!!!

3. Stop over-explaining yourself

This may be particularly important in your situation.

When someone routinely dismisses your reasoning, you can fall into the trap of thinking:

"If I just explain it better, they will finally understand."

So you provide another explanation, then another, then evidence, then examples.

Eventually the discussion isn't about the decision anymore. You are trying to convince them that you have the right to make the decision.

You don't necessarily need their agreement.

Try shorter statements:

"I have thought about it carefully, and this is the decision I have made."

If they respond: "But you are our child."

You can calmly say: "I know, and I will always be your child. But I am also responsible for making decisions about my own life."

Then stop debating.

4. Establish boundaries around emotional attacks

A boundary isn't like:

"You are not allowed to speak to me that way."

Remember; you cannot control what another person does.

A boundary is: "If you speak to me in a degrading or insulting way, I will end the conversation and we can talk later."

And then you actually follow through.

Take an example like:

"I want to have this conversation with you, but I am not willing to continue while I am being insulted. I am going to step away now. We can talk when we are both calmer."

The important part is consistency.

Don't threaten consequences you won't follow through on.

5. Don't confuse love bombing with resolution

You mentioned something important: they sometimes become extremely loving after they have done something hurtful.

It is possible for someone to genuinely love you and behave badly toward you. Those two things aren't mutually exclusive.

Likewise, affection after an argument doesn't necessarily mean the underlying problem has been resolved.

Instead of rejecting their affection, you can accept it while still addressing the issue:

"I appreciate that you are being loving toward me, and I love you too. But I don't want us to simply act as though what happened didn't happen. I would like us to talk about it when we are calm."

That allows you to receive love without allowing affection to erase accountability.

6. Choose your battles

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7. Start building emotional independence

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8. Have one calm conversation about the relationship itself

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9. Be prepared for resistance

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10. One very important caution

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You can love them.

They can love you.

You can disagree.

And nobody has to emotionally destroy the other person to establish who is right.

That is the kind of relationship I'd encourage you to work toward.

BOOK A SESSION AT HUMURA THERAPY AND CONTINUE WITH THE MISSING STEPS IN YOUR JOURNEY