Uncertain about my feelings
So im currently in a relationship with an avoidant, and a couple of days ago we decided that we should go on a break for a couple of months (but I basically had to beg her for numerous days, in the beginning she just said she wanted to end things, but as I know her and also recognize past patterns I knew that’s not really what she wants), she also stated that she is genuine with this and wants to get back with me when she has processed whatever she needs to process. So basically during the days where I had to beg her for an answers I felt really dissapointed and sad and angry, just how you feel after a breakup, but since we had that little talk where she said she just needs a break I have a mix of missing her but also being kinda disgusted with the way she treated me after all I have done for her and always being the one who was trying resolve things… So I currently don’t know why I feel that way suddenly and I would like to know why. Thank you very much for the Anwser
Your feelings are completely valid and actually make a lot of psychological sense. Though what you are experiencing is not sudden nor is it random. it is rather your mind and body finally processing the full picture now that the immediate crisis has passed.
There is a shift from survival mode to reflection mode
During those days of begging, your nervous system was in fight-or-flight mode. Your entire focus was on preventing the loss. Now that you have a “deal” (the break), your brain finally has the safety to step back and see the dynamic clearly. The disgust is the natural emotional response to realizing: “Wait, I had to beg for basic consideration from someone I have consistently shown up for.” WOW
There has been accumulated resentment breaking through. You have been the one trying to resolve things, doing the emotional labor, understanding her patterns. In the moment, you probably rationalized her behavior as “that’s just how she is.” But resentment builds silently. The disgust you feel now is not new. it is old, unexpressed anger finally surfacing now that you are not in appeasement mode. Your system is asking: “Why am I always the one who has to fight for this?”
You are in the protest-bargain hangover. You begged for days and got a compromise, not genuine mutual commitment. On some level, you know her agreement was not freely given. It was rather extracted through exhaustion. That leaves a hollow, almost humiliating feeling. Part of you might be disgusted with yourself for having to lower yourself that way, and that self-directed disgust often gets projected onto her (“How could she make me do that?”).
The avoidant dynamic is playing out again. You recognize her patterns: she pulls away, you chase, she says she wants to end things, you persist, she gives in. The disgust may be your psyche finally getting tired of this loop. It is the voice saying, “I know this script, and I don’t want to play my role anymore.” The missing her is attachment; the disgust is self-respect starting to knock.
You are also getting into protective mechanism. Disgust is a powerful emotion designed to make us pull away from something toxic or depleting. It is possible your mind is generating this feeling to protect you from going back into a dynamic where you are over-giving and under-receiving. It is your psyche trying to balance the scale so you don’t romanticize her and erase your own pain again.
This mix of, “missing her and feeling disgust,”is not contradictory. It is the coexistence of love/attachment and the growing awareness that you deserve better treatment. Pay attention to that disgust. It’s not telling you to hate her; it is telling you that your boundaries have been violated and your efforts have not been reciprocated.
What you do with this awareness during the break is what matters now. That disgust has important information for you.
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