I find it hard to date good men. What could be the issue with me?
I've never really felt loved in relationships my entire life. I find it hard to choose the right partner and I don't know what to do about it. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I don't know if my family background could be the cause. It's just so sad and overwhelming.
It may not be that there is something “wrong” with you. Sometimes when we have repeatedly felt unseen, unsupported, or unloved, we can start carrying certain beliefs into relationships—"Maybe I have to earn love,” “Maybe this is the best I can get,” or even confuse what feels familiar with what is actually healthy.
Your family background can influence the way you learned to understand love, closeness, conflict, and safety, but it does not determine your future relationships.
- It can help to notice the patterns: Who are you usually attracted to? What do you overlook at the beginning? What thoughts make you stay when your needs are not being met?
- I would also encourage you to get clear about your values—not just “I want a good man,” but “What does a loving relationship actually look and feel like to me?” Maybe that is consistency, kindness, emotional safety, honesty, affection, and mutual effort.
Therapy can be a really helpful space to explore where these patterns came from, challenge beliefs you may have developed about yourself and love, and learn to choose relationships from your values rather than from loneliness, fear, or familiarity. And please be gentle with yourself. Dating differently often starts with knowing yourself differently. 🤍